If I hear my doctor try talk me into having a colonoscopy one more time I\u2019m going to \u2026\u2026I\u2019m going to \u2026..well, have one I guess.<\/p>\n
Yup, I finally relented when, during my last check up, he found my excuses to be especially flimsy IE: I think I\u2019d be the first to know if something was wrong with my own plumbing. There\u2019s no history of colon cancer in my family. Besides, we Norwegians are a modest bunch and I would likely die of embarrassment if I had to bare my ass under mercury vapor lights in front of a crowd of men and women wearing masks\u00a0armed with a mile-long\u00a0length of\u00a0hose that had a\u00a0 camera and a snipper affixed on the end of it.<\/p>\n
Full disclosure here, I\u2019m planning some minor surgery in November and for Medicare to pick up the tab I\u2019m required to have a colonoscopy..so Tuesday was my first experience of being \u201cin\u201d TV instead of on it. But, let\u2019s start at the beginning.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhaddya want for your last meal.\u201d Linda said after church on Sunday.<\/p>\n
\u201cGeeze I wish you\u2019d put that a little differently.\u201d I said nervously.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know what I mean. You\u2019re the one who was only going to eat once today so you wouldn\u2019t have so much inside your system to, you know, evacuate the premises tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, yes. Well, let it be your delicious Swiss steak then.\u201d<\/p>\n
In savoring every scrumptious bite, I did what dietitians have been advocating forever: eat slower!\u00a0 In so doing, I resisted the temptation for a second helping and by 2pm my last meal was finished leaving plenty of time to get down to some serious fretting..first about the Vikings blowing another lead (which they were more than happy to oblige) and then about preparing for the great gut flush which must precede any Roto Rooter procedure.<\/p>\n
We\u2019ve had the infamous prep kit in our possession for a couple weeks; a gallon-size plastic jug with a pre-measured amount of highly explosive diuretic powder already inside. Just fill with water, shake well and refrigerate. Also taped to the jug were four flavor packets which apparently transform the taste of this reputedly vile liquid from something akin to gym towel squeezin’s into a quite palatable fruity beverage like strawberry, cherry or lemonade. \u00a0I chose the pineapple option.<\/p>\n
Although I had a jump start on my fast, Monday morning was the first real reminder of the sacrifice that lay ahead. Coffee WITHOUT creamer. Oh, my. \u00a0By Noon, I\u2019d grown weary of ice water and diet 7 Up. The sheet says I can have BROTH\u2026nothing brown so that leaves chicken, I guess. All we have is chicken bullion so I heat up two cups of water and throw in a couple tablespoons of the powdered bullion as directed. I like salt but this was like drinking boiling hot sea water. Rechecked the directions. Ah ha..it says two level TEAspoons of powder. I drank it anyway but cut way back on the next couple of batches and it was okay. It would have been a lot better with soda crackers but at least it was a refreshing change from the bland sweetness of all the plain pop. 4:00 pm arrives. Time to take the two mild laxative pills. Wash them down with another full glass of water. Shake body from side to side..sounds like the wave machine at Wild Water West. 4:30 pm. Take one of two pills prescribed for anticipated nausea. Oh God.<\/p>\n
5:00pm. I have the entire evening \u00a0to down half the bottle of pineapple juice..at least that\u2019s how I\u2019m imagining it. To achieve my goal, I\u2019m using a 16 ounce red Solo cup like the one Toby Keith sang about a couple years ago only I wasn\u2019t preparing to party but to potty.\u00a0 I really couldn\u2019t tell you for sure if I tasted even the slightest hint of pineapple as I gulped it straight down but it did seem to have a distinct ammonia finish. Anyway, I got through the first half and when nearing completion of the concoction on the morning of D-Day (The invasion) I was seriously thinking we should have put a seat belt on the toilet for I felt close to achieving lift off at any second. \u00a0Upon arriving at Medical Building 3 with Linda by my side and giving the receptionist my birthday and insurance information for the 68th<\/sup> time, we were told to have a seat and wait with the other blank-faced empty boweled people in the room. That\u2019s when I felt that little tell tale gurgle from deep within. Oh, no..there can\u2019t be anything left but sure enough, at least one more stop was necessary. I\u2019m sure I looked like Tim Conway doing the old man on the Carol Burnett Show as I shuffled to the rest room for, what I hoped was the final emptying. I could see from the others that they knew exactly what I was going through. \u00a0By the time I finally got situated in a room, nurse Carolyn was quite impressed that a man of my age had never had a colonoscopy before but especially never been hospitalized at all since springing to life in 1946. She proceeded to ask the same questions I’ve been answering to every other person involved in my medical history for months. But rules are rules, blah blah blah. Anyway, I had a stress test done a few years ago and they gave me one of those open-back gowns that\u2019s supposed to be one size fits all. Well, I am not in that ALL category and had to parade around the 5th<\/sup> floor of Medical Building 2 from exam room to exam room with my ample ass hanging free in the breeze because there was no one..nay not even a professional Victorian Era corset tightener who could have pulled those back strings together enough to conceal my big bum and spared me unnecessary embarrassment. So when I saw the gown on my bed and was told to disrobe and put it on, I mentioned the unfortunate humiliation from the past and Carolyn immediately ordered the largest in stock.\u00a0 I\u2019m very glad Linda left her camera in the car and all hospital personnel are sworn to secrecy because Barnum & Bailey could have put two of their three circus rings under there with me and still had room for a few clowns.<\/p>\n Finally, after Carolyn found a vein to draw a little blood and insert the anesthesia it was time for two strong young nurses to wheel their heavy load into the operating room. After being instructed to lay on my left side, I don\u2019t remember much of anything until being back in the room with Linda telling me everything was good..just three polyps safely removed and a nurse saying that the doctor had shot a blast of air up my backside and she wasn\u2019t leaving and neither was I until she heard it come back out. You mean fart? I said. I don\u2019t even do that in front of my wife. So Linda, at my request, left the room and I pushed and I pushed and well, let\u2019s just say I\u2019m home.<\/p>\n I guess this is supposed to be one of those Public Service Announcements about getting a colonoscopy if you\u2019re over 50. Don\u2019t wait as long as I did. \u00a0So, for what it\u2019s worth. It really wasn\u2019t that bad and I\u2019m really glad I had it done and don\u2019t have any cancer up there.<\/p>\n Now, my doctor keeps harping about getting a shingles shot.<\/p>\n Good Lord will this ever end?<\/p>\n One of my favorite humorists, Dave Barry, says the doctor that did his colonoscopy has heard the following from his patients over the years:<\/p>\n \u201cTake it easy Doc. You\u2019re boldly going where no man has gone before.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHey, now I know how a Muppet feels.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou used to be an executive at Enron didn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n And my favorite:<\/p>\n \u201cCould you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" If I hear my doctor try talk me into having a colonoscopy one more time I\u2019m going to \u2026\u2026I\u2019m going to \u2026..well, have one I guess. Yup, I finally relented when, during my last check up, he found my excuses to be especially flimsy IE: I think I\u2019d be the first to know if something…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[60],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jodystaples.com\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3069"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jodystaples.com\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jodystaples.com\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jodystaples.com\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jodystaples.com\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3069"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.jodystaples.com\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3069\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11637,"href":"https:\/\/www.jodystaples.com\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3069\/revisions\/11637"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jodystaples.com\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3069"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jodystaples.com\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3069"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jodystaples.com\/main\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3069"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}